Crisis - The Undisputed Fugly cousin of Greed

One of the funniest things i read about the economic crisis was of a situation where in the secretary had to sit on boss' lap because there weren't many chairs left in the office....but the reality was not funny at all...as usual...i have my own insightful gyaan to disseminate.

I believe in an eternal theory which says - if you play with yourself , one part of you is bound to lose...and that is what happened with the countries that got gripped in the recent economic crisis. Overconfident about their financial strength they overplayed with certain elements of their economy and got the crisis dildo up their's. There is another theory which presides over the first one and it is known as the 'Theory of Blame storming'...originally derived from a constructive term called 'Brainstorming'...this theory has become an international phenomenon in the recent years...excessively used in the corporate and economic sense...accordingly any kind of crisis, whether internal or external has to be blamed on someone's head...so here it gave rise to a retarded level of blame game among people and countries...as usual the brits blamed it on the queen , the french blamed it on carla bruni, the Russians blamed Vodka, the Chinese blamed Jackie chan, Manchow soup and Taiwan, the Italians blamed Berlusconi and his idiotic ways, the Japs blamed it on the U.S.A (even the 6th grader would have guessed ), the people of U.S.A blamed it on George W. Bush....Bush blamed it on the Democrats...Democrats blamed it back on the Republicans....with no options left, the Republicans blamed it on Ben Bernanke and Alan Greenspan (who were running out of space to hide)...Alan and Ben blamed it back on Bush and this time Bush blamed it on Afghanistan and Iraq....btw the shivsainiks blamed it on Pakistan...LOL...the only people who looked happy and did not blame anybody were the useless celebrity chasers from TMZ. While this blamestorming continued...the economists like Nouriel Roubini and Paul Krugman who forecasted the crisis were jerking off to glory with their unfathomable Bloomberg articles.

The crisis also gave some impetus to Donald Trump, because his favorite phrase 'You are fired' received immense fame as the corporates were firing their employees right, left and center...another thingy which gained fame was the term 'Pink slip'...to me it sounds more like a macau strip club for gay philipino's....it became one of the most dreaded word in the corporate history. On the scale of deadliness it was close to Cyanide...in fact a few people combined both the things to end their misery...a few things that came close to the lameness of 'pink slip' were :

    1.    Aishwarya Rai's Hollywood disaster 'pink panther 2' , after which she was offered the movie roles that got rejected by Mischa Barton.

    2.    Identity confused metro-sexual boys wearing pink Ed Hardy t-shirts.

 

The interest rates started going haphazard , the hedge funds hit the bottom of the ocean, few big investment companies had already collapsed, and the stock markets were amidst perfect cyclone, the underwriters were in deep sleep, Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac started sucking horse balls...the bankers had no clue as to how to get their money back..so they started filing for bankruptcies resulting in chain reaction of chaotic non-confidence movement in the finance sector which got stretched to many countries and economies....by this time most of the people had gotten to know that the money is not as disposable as it use to be....money became a tight commodity........and everybody including the corporates wanted to save up on cash....the only option left with them apart from liquidating the fixed asset was to start laying off the employees which consumed the substantial amount of money as a resource...so the management mixed business with a lot of pleasure and started distributing pink slip like birthday candies...getting fired was never so easy...it didn't matter if you were a performer , smooth talker, oxford grad or had unblemished dedication...if you had to be fired , then you had to be fired...not only the small time employees got fired but the high flying executives too , in a big number (equivalent to paki boys searching for 'Megan Fox nude' on Google)...because the top management thought that lets fire 1 guy who earns $250k rather than 4 guys earning $60k each...and it turned out that the biggest lenders during the period were the kids who broke open their piggy banks to support their laid-off banker daddies and the people like me who survived  this mess thought themselves to be the subjects of Darwin's theory of evolution. The websites publishing the articles like 'how to handle a layoff' and 'signs that you are about to get fired' generated more hits than ever before.

 On a serious note, lot many of such events were witnessed which emphasized a great deal on man's inclination towards money....more than the love for it , the fear of losing money is something which needs to be worked upon...no one has ever profited from fearing things....and no one ever will...the more you use money as a personal refusal device for all your miseries...the more will the crisis hurt you in every way possible.

The Not-so-Corporate People

Different characters found in a Corporate Office. 

The 'Geeky' Boss - Travels by a second hand Toyota Corolla or a Honda Civic. Always keeps sweating because of some disease he developed due to the hectic worklife. Sports an old-school mustache and an evident ponch. Man of principles. Does not have a fancy qualification. Bows down to his spiritual guru's photo-frame as soon as he enters his cabin and whispers some mantras before switching on his computer. Keeps getting quarrelsome calls from his wife about their kids shitting on the bed or their dog boning neighbor's bitch. Usually seen exchanging intelligent talks inside the meeting room with the people of similar designations. 

The 'Hardworking' Manager - Usually a south Indian Male (with oiled hair and french beard). Travels by public transportation. Wears fluorescent colored formals. Boss's favorite employee. Turns up at 9 in the morning (with financial times in his hand) and works till 10 in the night. Mostly seen alone during the lunch time eating home made veg food. His motto -"I earn, therefore i am" and "Work is Life". Carries a photograph of his 'wife and new born baby' in his wallet.

The (Party animal) Management Trainee - A 'punk' summer intern. Never present at his desk. Doesn't give a rat's ass about what's happening in the organization. His only prize of slogging for a few weeks is the final work experience certificate. Mostly spotted gelling around with interns from other departments. His lunch break extends for more than 2 hours and is seen smoking every half an hour, simultaneously listening to some Grunge metal song on his ipod. Ends up at a local pub everyday after work. 

The 'Laid-back' secretary - They are good looking and well dressed women belonging to a very unique race of human beings. Serious gossipers. Very much content with their lives. Usually seen in office cafeteria with the gang of other secretaries murmuring over the topic of office flings. They always have a very peculiar confused look on their faces. Reaches office at 9:30 sharp and leaves at dot 5:30. Most of the time busy sending lame-ass forwards to other employees creating a flood of mails thus jamming the outlook express. Eye candy to the middle aged male employees.

The 'CEO' -  The highest paid employee of the company who is not responsible for what he does. Travel's a lot. Usually seen scribbling on his half a dozen blackberries. Gives a plastic smile if anybody greets him. Has a hot secretary who never returns calls. Keeps sending Pseudo-motivational mails marking everybody in the organization. Usual mode of transportation is a Mercedes Benz S-class or a BMW 7 series. 

The Young Harvard MBA - Recent recruit. A wannabe Vice-President. Highly overpaid. Dresses better than the CEO. Proud of his Alma matter. Usually seen flirting around with the good looking women of the organization. Speaks in an accent unfathomable to most of the other employees. Goes out for lunch everyday to some fancy restaurant in the vicinity. Drinks 15 coffees a day. Mostly found grinning at his business phone after getting a message. Drives a mid-segment SUV. 

The 'Rich and Hot' Junior Analyst - Ultra rich babe  who is completely  uninterested in work. Wears skimpiest of the clothes. Graduate of a B grade county college from U.K. or Australia. Her only intention to come to office is to pass the time and get paid for it.  A serious facebooker usually seen facebooking on her iphone. Keeps updating her status every few hours, something like "My boss is a demon" or "Thank god its Friday"...or "Left office at 7 pm today...too damn tired...don't feel like partying". The CEO is usually her dad's good friend. Sticks a small print-out of Jim Morrison or Brad Pitt on her desk. Gets naughty with Harvard grad over the afternoon coffee. Travels in a chauffeur driven Mercedes Benz C-class.

The 'Dissident' Employee - An Ex-happy-go-lucky employee who didn't get promoted. Acts out his unhappiness all the time. Travels by his own modified Mitsubishi Lancer. Holds a degree from a decent business school. Mostly sports a grumpy look on his face. Works only for money. Keeps cribbing  over other peoples' higher salaries. Undermines the efforts of 'Hardworking Manager' kind of people. Usually seen with other dissidents over a smoke, planning some conspiracy against the organization. Gets regular yelling from the boss. Subject to the 'Management and HR' jokes.

The 'Joyous' Office-boy -  Always carries a smile on his face. Holds S.S.C pass degree. Important part of the grapevine. Transfers vital piece of gossip from one employee to the others along with the usual documents. Calls every man 'Saab' and every women 'maidum'.

The 'Fried' Computer Technician - Usually an underpaid , over worked NIIT graduate. Over and above fixing the computer problems he is given opportunity to fix printers and photocopiers as well.

Want to a Millionaire ( and Happy too )...???

This time i am not going to inflict cerebral pain on my readers by asking them all the irrelevant autistic questions like 'How do i cycle to the South Pole..? ' , 'Why Baba Ramdev doesn't  shave..?'....and all the other " i gotta know this shit" kinda things....

As much jargon challenged as i sound , i am sure that one thing i want to become in life is filthy rich (first priority) and happy (in case if money doesn't bring that along)....and when it comes to the relation between money and happiness....i have been forcefully made to accept that money doesn't bring you the eternal happiness...so nor does the poverty....to explain it in  a desi way , its like watching a Tushar Kapoor movie in a shabby single screen cinema and a high end multiplex with reclining couches, simultaneously....you will get ultra bored in both the cases....the only difference here is that in the latter one you'd pay more to get bored...(soon, the directors will start paying Tushar kapoor for not appearing in their movies)....but realistically one has to accept that gone are the days of Maurya's and Mughal's when the respect and ranking was based on your acts and learning. Today, the principal badge of status is money, and the things the money can buy....and even if it can't buy happiness, it can definitely lease it out for sometime...but you know what ,  not having sufficient money always gives you a perpetual 'something is missing' kind of feeling, its like watching a chinese kung-fu movie dubbed in Hindi....you can always sense some awkwardness....and whenever a person feels poor...he tries to earn more....he tries really hard  (similarly the way Salman Rushdie tries hard to write the impenetrable English)....if he makes it big in life...well and good....if  he doesn't then he thinks that he can't be happy for rest of his life.

I think i have started to sound like a drunken version of 'Sri Sri Ravishankar Maharaj'......its time to get back to something which is "ha ha" funny and not 'Strange' funny.

Disclaimer :  No matter how much ever i try to act like an egalitarian, i am not. I am a hedonist and supporter of elitism. Moreover, i love Mega yachts, fast cars and Forbes.com is my homepage.

For aam gareeb aadmi who survives on vada pav (and loves Rakhi sawant) , the money is just a manifestation of labor....they don't think of anything beyond 'Do waqt ki roti' (and some desi liquor )...for them becoming a millionaire is as difficult as giving chunkey pandey a lead role in a Yash chopra movie....but most of them look as if they are happy with their lives ...they have kids who go to the municipal schools....the kids later take up their own kholis and the life cycle goes on.....they eat good fish once a  week and watch doordarshan on a common TV kept in the centre of the chawl.....most of the news channels also survive on these kind of  people....because chawls and slums are the places where most of the catchy blue-collar shit happens....and whenever these type of  beings come on news channels, their expressions are worth noticing....neither do they show any happy feelings nor do they cry about their struggle....their faces look as if somebody told them to divide 50837948025 by 179.293 without using a calculator...most of the politicians also thrive on their votes but politicians don't do anything beyond giving rhetorical speeches...and a standard speech goes like this..." my dear gareeb janta...Nostradamus predicted that you people would be losers....and whatever he says always comes true....so i really can't help you.."....and that's the reason why slums always grow in size....i have never seen a slum shrinking. Btw...by the time you finish reading this post...the top 10 richest people in the world would have got richer by a few hundred million dollars , combined....and even if you don't finish reading, they will get richer anyways.....

While the 'money and happiness' is still running on the back of my mind...i have come up with this equation. Pls note that the money here means 'Substantial amount of money'.

1. Money + happiness = Good  life.
2. this means that only Money = Good life - happiness.
3. and only Happiness = Good life - Money.

In this equation there is an invisible Co-efficient which is know as 'The Government' and it subtracts a little bit of everything, the money, the happiness and so the good life.

The government by its very nature is made to suck up on its subjects by spending less than required and levying more than required....talking of India, 57% of our population survives on 715 rupees a month...the sugar is $ 1 per Kg...equivalent to the rates in the U.S.A...and around 61 % of our Members of parliament are officially crorepati ( as per the affidavit submitted by them, although the spell-check in my text edit notes (mac) suggested Corrupt instead of crorepati which is also very true in itself )....and these figures don't seek the need of any further gyaan.

Like everything else in the world, the 'getting rich' part has also got some pros and cons....when it comes to the pros, the principal one is that your prospective (insanely hot) wife will likely ignore your ugliness, alcoholism, Obesity and lack of education...but have you ever thought of cons of being rich....there are few, the leading ones being :

• There are high chances of your close ones getting kidnapped. 
• The charities people will always be at your gate.
• The income tax people could place a spy outside your office.
• And lastly you could bang your imported expensive sports car after heavy drinking at a page 3 party and run-over the road side dwellers.

But, I believe that the benefits would any day discount the disadvantages and that's the real catch....i mean, who wouldn't want to follow an ultra lavish lifestyle....vacation on a Mediterranean island twice a year....collect antiquities from around the world and much more.....at-least i am not a saint who is in search of some cosmic bliss....my philosophies have been very much materialistic since the very beginning....and by default i have become a part of "Moolah" race...but one thing i know for sure is that the richest guy in the world may not be the happiest guy in the world....and in the end even if you win the rat race, you would still be a rat...but a rat with a few million dollars.

GOD on Twitter

It is rightly said that ' I think therefore i am and therefore i exist '. And what if i doubt it...????...What if the only thing in the world which substantiates the human existence doesn't exist....??????........I mean the God himself..................or herself....or itself....or whatever....the question is who is god.....and is he missing...?????.....i once read that 'God is a drunken college freshman from some alien race and we're his science fair project. We got third place'....Frankly speaking i don’t know if god exists, but it would be better for his reputation if he did not...and in case if god does come in to existence, then god help him...because everybody would want to meet him , see him, touch him or probably bribe him to seek his support. The Jews would want 'diamonds', the Buddhist would want 'peace', the Hindus would want 'eternal happiness', the Muslims would want 'dominance', the Christians would take anything they can get. I think i would just be honored to see a video of him on You tube.


While this may sound very liberal but god is just too big to fit in to one religion. And God is not assigned to humans only , he has other tasks to take care of, such as weather, oceans, trees, animals, scandals, flood , volcano, accidents, high profile marriages and divorce of billionaires. So it seems that god is super busy, he is so busy that he has become oblivious to the fact that people have stopped believing in him....and nowadays he also doesn't care, he is like "F*** off ya'all, i don't care if you don't believe in me...i didn't tell you to....your mom did...so stop bugging and begging me...or i will go to Africa...give them some deadly diseases of unknown origin and you will see the rise in the number of believers...buhahahahaaaa".

An account on Facebook or Twitter will also do.

So, lets not pressurize god too much...i mean seriously...let's behave like good human beings. Let's see what we can do to help out god and his colleagues. All i can do from my side is pay my taxes on time and ensure a minimum of carbon foot print...moreover if given a chance i would love to follow god on twitter...i know this sounds stupid but its high time for god to start sending tweets....although he has got a major competition with Lagy Gaga and Justin Beiber in terms of followers, i am sure he will take care of it and rise above all....after all he is god himself.....and for the time being lets believe that god is very much alive, peeping from a keyhole , partying hard and working on some less ambitious projects.